I need to preface this post with something: For the last year, I feel like I've been walking around in my underwear. My marriage failed. I got remarried. And I found out that the not so small town I live in, is a smaller town than I realized. I never knew what people knew about me, or what people thought about me. It made me feel exceptionally exposed. I will definitely be writing about it as the experience heavily influenced my decision to start this blog.
I'm sick of feeling like I'm being vulnerable without any control over how. So, honestly, writing this blog is empowering for me. It's likewise terrifying for me.
If I talk about my experiences, my thoughts, and my feelings, other people get to have thoughts and opinions about them. I'm writing it anyway, because I also know that people can provide support. They can tell me about the ideas that resonate with them. And they can help me learn and grow. So, while I'm scared, I'm writing anyway. And today is a particularly emotional day. What emotion it is, I'm not entirely sure. It's a bunch of them.
You see, today would have been my 17th wedding anniversary.
Instead, I am both divorced, and remarried.
That is so strange to me.
I didn't get married for a little while. I got married forever. Or at least I planned forever. I thought if I did everything right, if I tried hard enough, if I worked hard enough, I could create the family I dreamed of.
I don't know why it didn't occur to me that not only was a marriage not just me, but even if that were true, I was never going to do everything right. I could never try hard enough or work hard enough to make a marriage work all by myself. And I was so far from perfect in how hard I tried and worked. I definitely did not do everything right.
I could sit here and list all the things I think he did wrong. All the ways in which I was hurt. All the little wounds that I buried and built up scar tissue over time. But wow would that be unfair. As I've pointed out, he isn't here to defend himself, and the story would be so incredibly one-sided.
Besides, I've done that. I spent months doing it, and not only is it not healthy, but it's kinda bullshit.
Which isn't to say that I think he was perfect and did everything right, but it doesn't give me room to take responsibility for my part, to learn from it, to grow from it. It's childish and short sighted, and I can NOT allow myself to stagnate from bitterness. That's not who I am.
So, can I tell you what I think I've learned?
One of my biggest mistakes was trying to be responsible for his feelings, and thinking he was responsible for mine.
Think about this with me for a minute. I spent years truing to prevent him from feeling negative things, because I didn't want to be responsible for his feelings. I dedicated a lot of time and energy to this. I took on worry and anxiety alone for this, which ultimately created a fundamental dishonesty between us that was so unfair to him, because it didn't allow him the room to learn and grow. The way shared worry and anxiety do.
When he said or did something that I found hurtful, I made him responsible for how I felt about it, but also tried to push those feelings down thinking I could let them go, often without real resolution. Finding resolution meant confrontation and dealing with his feelings, which I didn't want to do.
That was a toxic combination.
I have tried to give myself room to grieve the marriage I thought I'd have, and the marriage I actually had. It's been a strange juxtaposition of emotion with the happiness of finding my new husband and getting remarried. I have felt sometimes like I wasn't allowed to be sad about my previous marriage ending.
I have had to tell myself repeatedly that I am allowed to have feelings. They don't always have to be the feelings I think I'm supposed to have.
Relationships are complicated. And we have the right to grieve the loss of them, even if it was the right choice. This is true for marriages, friendships, and even toxic family relationships. We have the right to mourn the loss of what we had, and what we wish we'd had.
This post may have been a little all over the map. But today I keep thinking about the good, the bad, and the ugly of my previous marriage, and since the only person I can control is me, I felt like it was important to acknowledge my part in what failed, and to acknowledge that I'm not over it yet. It feels like a deep failure on my part. So I have to learn and do better this time.
You have such a beautiful heart, Anne. Saying, "you can't change someone else, only your reaction to them" is far easier said than done. Especially when we enter a relationship with self esteem. Just remember to breath. And grow. :)
ReplyDeleteLOL. That was supposed to say, "low" self- esteem.
DeleteThanks, Erin. I actually read that just the way you intended! My brain supplied the missing word.
DeleteIt is so much easier said than done, especially in an intimate relationship. I was smart enough when I got married to think I shouldn't change him, and I didn't try. But I also think I didn't let him experience things that would have allowed him to change on his own. He was also older than I was, there was a certain amount of deference because of that, and yes, significantly low self-esteem on my part.
But I can't change the past. I can only change the future. So, how can I learn and grow? I can start by taking responsibility for my own part in the failure of my first marriage, and applying every lesson I possibly can to the second one.
Life isn't always easy, is it!
The hardest thing I had to do after my divorce was acknowledge my part. It took me years because I had to first figure out exactly why I wanted out in the first place. Then, I needed to figure out what behavior of mine contributed to the issues we had. Then, I had to make sure that I didn't do the same thing with the next partner (who I didn't know at that point). It sounds like you've done all that work in a very short period of time. Given that you've had to manage all this while being a mom and a new wife, I'd say you're doing amazingly! It's always hard to own your part in the end of something, but growth will inevitably come from that.
ReplyDeleteI know exactly why I wanted out. And some of it I feel bad for, because I'm not without blame, and some of it I don't feel at all bad for.
DeleteI think we were fed some really unhealthy messages about what being a woman meant, and our own worth, that contributed in some degree to our choosing the partners we chose. But yes, we have learned a lot. And whether fast or less fast, neither of us shied away from the work. I think we can be proud of that at least.
And thank you. Your support has meant a lot to me.
The part about mourning relationships, even unhealthy ones, resonated with me today. I cut my toxic brother out of my life yesterday. Thanks for giving me permission to grieve.
ReplyDeleteToxic family is the hardest to deal with, and they cut so deep. I'm here if you need me.
DeleteAnne, as always you lead the way in strength and inspiration. Your willingness to challenge yourself to dig deep and look inward allows you to be further on the path than many of us who have been on the path longer. It’s so easy to blame the other rather than look at our part. I really identified, as many women can, with taking on the responsibility of his emotions and doing everything possible to protect him from negative ones and attempt perfection, which isn’t possible. Our part is always present and the opportunity to grow and do it better is there everyday in co-parenting as well as the new marriage. My challenge is in doing better while the co-parenting. In the marriage my fear was if he was mad, he would leave, now that he’s gone my fear is if he’s mad he will fight for the kids. Of course those threats make it more real but I’m trying to stand in a quiet strength, authenticity and act as if fear isn’t in the driver’s seat. I’ve taken a few steps on the path... and I’ve got a long way to go! Thanks for shining a light along the way!
ReplyDeleteI think you might be giving me too much credit. But that's one thing I love about you.
DeleteI also feared that if he was mad he would leave. I now wonder if that wasn't in some part on purpose, so that I wouldn't leave. I don't know. But could that be possible in your case? That keeping you off balance meant you were always looking to make him happy and then he didn't have to worry about you leaving?
I also worry that he'll try to take the kids, though practically, I don't think he would. And I don't think your ex would either. Granted, I don't want him to try.
Fear is huge. It keeps us bound instead of free. Keep being you. You are amazing and I love you.